STARING INTO THE ABYSS MARCH 23-27
I sometimes feel like I am looking into a big black hole. And that's on a normal day. Now it is an abysss. With no end in sight no bright light at an end of tunnel. I know that we can sit at dinner or at work, or texting with friends and talk about how it is going to get better; how fortunate we are that we have some money in the bank, some money coming in and are for now healthy and to some extend comfortable. But it all largely just rings hollow. I want to believe that things are going to get better, that at some point in the next few weeks or month I will be on a golf course with my friends, take a walk and hold hands, take a vacation, or just walk outside and not observe what seems to be and is a cataclysmic event that we have never before seen. But as much as I try to see these things, I just can't. And what is worse I find myself no longer wanting them as much. It i snot bothering me I am not golfing, a little, but not much. I find myself just biding my time waiting for the next singular event to take up some time, and the move on.
I'm also scared. But I'm not so much sure at what. We talk over dinner and other times about the uncertainty, the constant assault of information that seems to have no basis in anything but guesses. No one really knows anything and that is becoming more clear by the day if not by the minute. And that is part of my problem. I like to deal with things I know, not always but mostly. Waking up very day not knowing what will happen, what will come crashing up or down, is just draining the life from me. I know I am not alone, but I am not sure that matters. You start to hate who you are. You can make the same jokes, and go about business well, serve clients answer questions, be a good friend. But when you can't shake the constant uncertainty of life it just weighs you down. And you worry it effects everyone around you, Which is the last thing you want.
I've always been the one people called, or who assumed I would be there, or who offered to just take care of things. I'm trying to still do that but finding it harder. You can feign happiness and security to a point, but at some point I worry you just stop caring. I talk to my parents daily, they are under a huge amount of anxiety. You can hear it in their voices, the daily calls that are clearly looking for information, which at their age means they are asking for bad news. Who is sick? Who is dead? How many people are in the hospital? Are you ok? Are the kids? I'm not sure how to answer some of these. I sort of am, sort of not. The kids are doing well, really. Obligations don't change. But the worry is constant even if worrying does no good. I long for the day that I can, like I used to just a month ago, hop on a plane and go visit. Buy groceries, dinner fly home. But I can't. I feel trapped and hemmed in. So maybe I'm not ok. But there i no choice but to be.
But I am so not sure it matters. I joined the people who lost income, 35 percent of my income was taken away not to be returned. So there is that. But I'm still better off than most. Hardly reassuring. So we go on because we have no choice. Obligations don't stop, in fact they seem to increase although how on earth does that happen? And so I will too. because there really isn't a choice.